3 months!

Being away from home for 3 months has opened up new vantage points for myself. Points that I have refused to use to widen my own horizon. Recently, I have experienced what some may label as an epiphany.

It has come to my attention that what have been holding me back from diving into the foray of 'uni' life are the following: 1) my physical distance from the university itself (I live in god-forsaken Sengkang, for crying out loud!), 2) my [hopeless] passion for someone who refused to accept my passion to begin with, and 3) my desire to achieve everything I want for myself in a split-second.

These things have hindered me from what I should be doing here, what I came here for in the first place: my studies. I have suffered from paralysis because of the three above mentioned reasons.

I am not here to simply squander every single penny that the Singapore 'gah-men' has been handing me through the university. They're paying me to study. In other words, I'm here to work, and not mope around because of some silly old love-spell that wore off.

The good thing is I have recognized these obstacles and that I am now ready to dance to the new tune playing in this new chapter of my life. I nearly gave up my dreams of doing what I wanted to do in the first place. But now, I need to focus.

Things happen for a reason (ah, such a hopeless fatalist I am), and everything will unfold in due time. Everything will fall into proper place.

An open letter to 'x'

Who am I kidding? It's quite predictable really. At bed, I think about my quirks - especially that one that keeps giving me a blood clot in my brain - being a hopeless romantic.

My head has been telling me that it was bound to happen. Sooner or later, you were bound to have to break your promise. A promise you made immediately after delivering the blow that shattered my hopes and dreams and leaving me to nurse my heart back to health, leaving me to lick the poison off my wounds - alone.

Who's to blame? None else, but myself - really. I am to blame for allowing myself to be caught in this position. It was a risk that I took. I knew the possible dead ends, yet I persisted. "Follow your heart," I said to myself. Well, I can't chicken out of this one then. In any case, I'm in the middle of a stream, no, a torrent of emotions - there's no way through but through it all.

But can you blame me if I feel cheated? If I feel betrayed? Above all, if I feel used? The first two are things that one would consider as naturally occurring feelings after meeting a smashing dead-end. But the last one, that's where the lightning connects with the earth.

Two months after my empty talk of 'revenge' and 'evil-plotting', still nothing has come about. Those utterances were mere utterances. Still I wonder, staring into my empty ceiling during the countless nights when sleep has failed me, whether there is a sense of fairness to all of this.

The times when you asked me to play our music in a subdued tone did bring about a feeling of excitement. In retrospect, I feel so devalued. Never before have I had to play cloak-and-dagger to my closest friends. You made me swear an oath of secrecy - something tantamount to denying who I am. I took it anyway... "Follow your heart," I said to myself.

Time pushed aside, I peer through the broken promises, the empty words you whispered into my ears - words that tingled my senses and captivated my soul... nothing but empty shells now, they turn out to be. Empty shells from where I derive a feeling of ambivalence.

positives

two words caught me by surprise last tuesday: "very good"

it is indeed something that i did not expect. in fact i am almost always scared sh*tless whenever i entered that room at AS4 (or whatever block that is), especially in those dumb moments that i never actually took time to flip over some pages that i was supposed to have read.

i hope that this isn't some sort of trojan trick of sorts. i've had my (un)fair share of bad news recently, and i would like to believe that the remark signals a break of that my streak of misfortunes.

simple wishes

i wish i listened to my old piano teacher when i was still in second grade. had i done so, i would be playing sounds that would soothe my ears from the deafening silence of late.

when everything falls into this silence, one makes a mad dash towards some form of noise. for the past few weeks, i have been trying to re-center myself... desperately trying to find a new sense of balance, having lost my old bearings due to some terrible events.

in those moments of silence however lie faint cries - crying out the faintest of thoughts. giving in to these faintest thoughts have given me a new milieu to
to work on.

here is where i have to thank Joe Hisaishi for his music. for some reason, his pieces allow my spirit, no matter how down i am, to soar up above my troubles. he is a true artist, in every sense of the word

double post

how does one lick a wound that simply wont go away?

You, lingering in my mind like the castles that I've built in the sky
twirling forever in my dreams following the shapes and contours of the milky way,
forever caught in a rapture of hearts that will never be mine again.

Overtures of your fingers caressing my face,
slipping through my fingers bringing me endless smiles
forever lost in the treacherous seas of distance and time.

correspondences

letters to different people close to my heart. heavily edited to protect our privacies, of course.

i can't tell you enough how much i miss all of you... i haven't really settled down after 5 weeks here... i know you've been busy and that you ARE busy, which makes me appreciate you for how much time i'm taking away from you to read (and reply... hahaha) to this email. i'm going insane here. 2 modules, so that's tuesday and wednesday nights at school, the rest of the week i'm as free as a bird... well, not quite (seeing as i have to pour a lot of time on readings - around 150-200 pages a day). i'm trying to kill boredom by engaging in rather boring activities as well... hahahaha. i'm trying to be as thrifty as i can be... it's not easy, considering that singapore is a very expensive city... but there are ways, like if i dont go out of the house for a day (and substitute exercise for a 30 minute jogging routine), i save around 10-15 dollars). i gave [j] a call a few minutes ago. he was on his way to baguio for work. i tried calling your mobile but it was turned off. i figured you were enjoying [the] contender class. how was it? god, i miss you guys! i especially miss [j], [d], and your company. everything here seems to be moving slowly for me at the moment. at times i don't even know why i'm here.to tell you the truth, i've been having an existential soliloquy since chinese new year's eve. at the moment, i'm so close to dropping this dream of mine to have [x] career. because at times, it can be very frustrating (now i know it's very frustrating in other careers as well). it's just that i see all of my friends in stable places at this stage and then i find myself still desperately struggling through school. apart from that, last tuesday's class (southeast asia) sent a chill through my spine. for some reason, i haven't been able to follow the discussion thoroughly. bottomline: i feel so inadequate if not stupid. though there are moments of hope. waking up from a feverish night's sleep (yes, i've had fever for the last two days - withdrawal?) i read an email sent to me from the professor from the other class (methods/research). It opened:
"Dear Janssen,
I have read your first assignment, and it is very well done..."This gives me some sense of hope, i guess. It made me feel that at least I've done something right. I haven't really opened up much after I've left... to anyone, except you and my other friend here in singapore. she's filipina. I'm quite excited to go back to Manila this May. And do tell me if ever you are still going to singapore so i can arrange my trip ahead. [mw] is arriving on the 19th of Feb. we're having dinner on the 21st. On the other hand [S] will be here during holy week. [mb] will be here early May. She's going to visit her sister. Right now, april's quite open... I'm not sure if my friend from UST will be dropping by for a visit. Anyway, this is getting a bit too long. I'll write to you some other time. Please send my regards to everyone.Take care always.

...

[mb]: why [m] asked you such a question is because the two of us have called it quits... say two weeks ago. for the better, really. it gave us some space and peace of mind. please don't get us wrong. what we had was really beautiful, and we will forever treasure that. who knows, maybe in the future...the thing is, it's [m] first full-blown relationship... it's my third. i've had my fair share of playing and horsing around, and he's never had that chance... i was shocked to learn a few months ago that it was his first. though i don't think (judging from how far i know [m]) that he'll be doing some horsing around anytime soon, i figured that it would be best to let him process what happened. a few weeks after i left, he's been having a few attacks of feelings of uncertainty... which, for all of us who've fallen in and out of (the L word), is a very common thing - especially if it's your first or second "relationship."given our situation of physical distance, things weren't really simple.i took it with cognizance of what happened in my first few flings, and relationships... i know how it feels like and i don't want to add to his confusion at this point. on my part, i haven't really adjusted myself to my new environment. routinely, i say that "i'm doing great here," aside from the usual snide "i'm bored" remarks. at this point i would be lying if i told you that i am indeed doing great here in singapore. of late, experiences of having a series of emotional and life-milestone jolts have become regular occurrences. i feel like it's quarter-life crisis all over again. feelings of not wanting to pursue my dreams (read: an [x] career) due to time and social constraints, and desires of attaining early financial stability and independence ([x]) have been haunting me of late.erstwhile, at school - i'm registered for two modules right now. a methods (qualitative) class, and a content-heavy "social and economic history of southeast asia" class. i registered for the latter out of a desire to torture myself with a highly competent teacher. yes, i'm an academic masochist. i get a kick out of that. but the thing is, i've been having a serious problem of trying to keep up with the people in that particular class. now i know it's not just myself who's been having that problem, however i feel i should be doing better. it's just that the rigors demanded are sometimes too much for me. grad school anxieties, i guess. but for the methods class, everything seems peachy. in fact, i got a "very well done" remark from my professor via email for a written assignment. this sort of gave me a kick back into reality - especially after recovering from fever ([mb]: yes, when i called you via cellphone i just recovered from a mild bit of flu).more on the brighter side - financially, things are starting to stabilize, save for a few outstanding balances here and there... but only a few more days, i'll be able to patch things up (full stipend comes in on the 18th! yaay!!). it's usually one of the common issues that [x] research scholars at NUS confront during their first 3 months. its good thing that my flatmates were also [x] research/asean scholars in NUS, so they know my predicament. they've been quite patient with me for a month now.back to [m]... the good thing is, our friendship stays stronger than ever. [m] is a very nice guy. he's a very great guy, and i hope that you will take care of him while im out of the scene. i think [m] may pay me a visit this may, early part... but that's very tentative, depending on the demands of his work.but most definitely, i'll be home by late may... perhaps on the 20th. so i'll need to buy a ticket this march, just to avoid having to pay so much for my airfare. hopefully [m] will keep his word on the boracay trip he promised me. hahaha.anyway, this letter is getting too long and i fear that it may already be boring you. i am at a loss in terms of what words to use to express how much i miss all of you guys. going to the gym here gives me a feeling of nostalgia, but just that... so it's not the same. it certainly isn't. please send my regards to all team fort people.i hope you guys write back.

...

sorry i've been out of touch recently, i haven't really been paying much attention to the people around me. hahaha. just writing to say a few hello's!i hope you're all doing well. i'm still trying to adjust myself here. i'd be lying if i told you that i'm doing very well here. i'm terribly homesick, and i especially miss going to the gym with you guys. it's certainly a very different place nowadays (the gym, that is). it's like there's an empty space in my heart whenever i step into the gx room. cheesy as it may sound, but it is what i feel. hahahaha.another thing, body combat here is so different. there's simply no 'oomph' to it. it's treated by the participants as just another regular aerobic class. i've already been asked by several instructors (including [x]) if i myself am an instructor because of my "energy" and "form"... hahahaha (deep inside i'm screamin', give me a part-time job!!! i'm very bored and very available!) [d]: how's work at [n]? is it still that hectic? by the way, i think i found where [n]'s office in singapore is. it's quite near NUS' Kent Ridge campus, where I am actually. just 5-10 minutes away from my building by bus. [j]: imagine if i'd have stayed on with newsbreak and not left for singapore... then we'd be officemates by the 15th! hahaha. sayang.anyway, i hope to see you guys soon. i'm coming home this may. basta, i'll be there for my birthday. :)wishing you all the best.

spatial dislocation

Day 6 and the deafening silence is certainly getting to me. I've tried to keep myself occupied, but I feel like there's something substantially missing. It's like a part of my soul has been forcibly taken away from me without me even knowing it.

Current symptoms exhibited include me being unusually reserved, zoned/spaced out when someone calls my attention.

All the uncertainty seems to be getting to me.

But all these feelings are gently pushed away by the images of his smiles in my head.