3 months!

Being away from home for 3 months has opened up new vantage points for myself. Points that I have refused to use to widen my own horizon. Recently, I have experienced what some may label as an epiphany.

It has come to my attention that what have been holding me back from diving into the foray of 'uni' life are the following: 1) my physical distance from the university itself (I live in god-forsaken Sengkang, for crying out loud!), 2) my [hopeless] passion for someone who refused to accept my passion to begin with, and 3) my desire to achieve everything I want for myself in a split-second.

These things have hindered me from what I should be doing here, what I came here for in the first place: my studies. I have suffered from paralysis because of the three above mentioned reasons.

I am not here to simply squander every single penny that the Singapore 'gah-men' has been handing me through the university. They're paying me to study. In other words, I'm here to work, and not mope around because of some silly old love-spell that wore off.

The good thing is I have recognized these obstacles and that I am now ready to dance to the new tune playing in this new chapter of my life. I nearly gave up my dreams of doing what I wanted to do in the first place. But now, I need to focus.

Things happen for a reason (ah, such a hopeless fatalist I am), and everything will unfold in due time. Everything will fall into proper place.

An open letter to 'x'

Who am I kidding? It's quite predictable really. At bed, I think about my quirks - especially that one that keeps giving me a blood clot in my brain - being a hopeless romantic.

My head has been telling me that it was bound to happen. Sooner or later, you were bound to have to break your promise. A promise you made immediately after delivering the blow that shattered my hopes and dreams and leaving me to nurse my heart back to health, leaving me to lick the poison off my wounds - alone.

Who's to blame? None else, but myself - really. I am to blame for allowing myself to be caught in this position. It was a risk that I took. I knew the possible dead ends, yet I persisted. "Follow your heart," I said to myself. Well, I can't chicken out of this one then. In any case, I'm in the middle of a stream, no, a torrent of emotions - there's no way through but through it all.

But can you blame me if I feel cheated? If I feel betrayed? Above all, if I feel used? The first two are things that one would consider as naturally occurring feelings after meeting a smashing dead-end. But the last one, that's where the lightning connects with the earth.

Two months after my empty talk of 'revenge' and 'evil-plotting', still nothing has come about. Those utterances were mere utterances. Still I wonder, staring into my empty ceiling during the countless nights when sleep has failed me, whether there is a sense of fairness to all of this.

The times when you asked me to play our music in a subdued tone did bring about a feeling of excitement. In retrospect, I feel so devalued. Never before have I had to play cloak-and-dagger to my closest friends. You made me swear an oath of secrecy - something tantamount to denying who I am. I took it anyway... "Follow your heart," I said to myself.

Time pushed aside, I peer through the broken promises, the empty words you whispered into my ears - words that tingled my senses and captivated my soul... nothing but empty shells now, they turn out to be. Empty shells from where I derive a feeling of ambivalence.