random thoughts

just bought me a new toy... an MP3 player that doubles as a flash drive. Fantabulous. I'm currently converting all my files into MP3s so i can listen to them on the go.

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Maita's movin' away... i hope she finds what she wants where she's goin.

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Social Democracy? what is it? why is it so hard to explain in common terms

Transformativity: The Ateneo Political Science Department

On Cultural Studies, Blogging, and Transformations"

Cultural Studies is NOT a paradigm! - Anonymous

Before RR posts his blog-bashing entry on the transformation of the Political Science Department, I'd like to put out some commentary.

It's actually nice that the Department is open to 'different' things. As far as I know. We're the only Political Science Department that offers subjects like: Epistemological Issues in Global Politics, Sexual Politics, Critical Security Studies, and Feminist International Relations. The faculty is young, hip and jazzy, edgy, and the graduate students are open to these 'new' things too. Its very promising.

(Aside: In fairness to RC & RR, I owe them bigtime. RC introduced Global Politics as an 'alternative' to Social Development or Sociology in Ateneo while RR convinced me that I made the right decision in choosing the former. I can't spill the beans here, ask me personally if you want to know.)

While the spirit of the Republic remains, it is good that the Department has started venturing out into territories that other political science departments in the Philippines dont really explore. After all, we still need the Republic in more ways than one. ;p

On Benjie

sige, pwede... pwede... - guess who!

I presented my sexual politics paper proposal to Dear Dr. Tolosa and told him that I intend to expand my paper for Bobby's Class (which, by the way, I shall be expanding as well in order to have a 'joint' paper for Sexual Politics and Epist.) for my thesis. I asked Dr. T if I could just broaden the scope of the paper. He gave the green light for the proposal under the condition that I do some fieldwork.

So I'm back with my original plan; Cotabato.

On Friedrich

*alemaña mode*

I am swamped. I love it. I'm drowning in A4's. I'm Lovin' it! I'm excited and I'm lovin... lovin' it!

I can publish here! cool! hahaha.

Consumatum est.

it is done.

My laptop finally broke down. After 5 years of loyal service, it has crashed. It's quite depressing considering all of the good times I had with the contraption. It contains memories of the past which I dont want to remember but I can never forget.

I need to retrieve those files. I have most of my college life stored in a 3.5 inch 6.5 GB storage disk. I am hoping that I could have the files burned or something, I have, after all, partitioned it for safe-keeping purposes. In a sense, my old laptop is going to the trash heap and all the memory it contains shall be archived. Though I hope the technicians can do magic and resucitate the machine back to life.

over-extension thesis

what am i doing ing cubao at 1052 in the night?

I have no idea what I'm doing here. It just feels right. I'm supposed to be on top of my bed, reading some excerpts from the PIMS class readings. I'm supposed to be reading some stuff on the WTO. I was supposed to watch a movie to calm my mind. Amazingly, I am calm... back from a minute of depression when I had another encounter.

It's lovely actually.

Now what was lovely was yesterday's series of events. I went to congress to attend this talk sponsored by Akbayan on the impeachment and on the proposed charter change. Lover-ly get-together, honestly. After which, I took a cab to rush back to Ateneo and attend Maita's farewell party... Bon voyage! It's been a great semester.

To top the cream with cherry, we had this hilarious Graduate student-professors laugh-out-loud discussion... Dr. Santamaria was fabulous... along with Dr. Tolosa, Fr. Magadia, William, Miss Alma, and many more... we were sharing info on our classes and we were all laughing. It was fun. We even had some guests... Fabian of the Economics dept. and Miss Alma's kids... The food was fine....

I'm just exploding with smiles and laughter.

But, like the enlightenment thinkers, I feel like there's a hole that needs to be filled up with something... with something... I shall work on this.

I'd turn me off.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Why is it that when I was watching this dark humored film, I started feeling sorry for the oompa loompa... I felt that Willy Wonka was in a way exploiting third world labor in the production of chocolates that are globally distributed.

Turn me off.

Friday! I'm on a roll!

What an amazing week this is. Seriously. I have never been more ecstatic, more excited than now. Wednesday afternoon: I got in... accepted with FES. Wednesday evening, I was hoping that things wouldn't come crashing down with the sexual politics class... and it didn't. In fact, I was amazed how I was able to carry myself well enough that time, considering that I usually get tongue-tied when I talk to my debater-professor whom I refer to with his first name. Then, there was yesterday, Thursay. Maricris and I saw each other and we related with each other the interesting details of what happened to both of us during the last three years.

Then there's friday... oh friday.

Morning was fabulous, absolutely fabulous! Free snacks and lunch... interesting talk on capital flight. Then we had the most FANTABULOUS class with Walden. We all ganged up on poor little old Amy Chua and her piece of work using the optic of American racial politics... Then we were talking about orientalism, clarity, bordering postcolonial discourse. Interestingly, we had Baudrillard dragged into the conversation (The Gulf War Never Happened). I've never seen the entire class laughing so much, especially when Nina was talking about Filipino-American literature... Dogeaters, by Jessica (Nina said) Zafra, to which Walden, Julie and I were startled. We then started imagining Jessica Zafra as a, well... Dogeater.

During the break, Julie and I had this chit-chat about the blueprint... and I showed her a letter saying that Walden belonged to the (GASP!) Economics Department. We were laughing at the image of Walden rubbing elbows with those neo-libs at the UPSE. Then Julie started narrating how Walden would pick on economics majors who enrol in his class. Hilarious. haha. Also, Walden lent me his book, Dilemmas of Domination: The Unmaking of the American Empire. He said I could have it photocopied and he wont charge me for it. Fabulous!

A very interesting discussion on Islam, Thai-Chinese minorities and class dynamics ensued. I enjoyed every bit of it.

Pishbols.

Nina, Lea and I started walking towards Vinzon's and decided to have a little snack before heading for Katipunan. We were exchanging views about the class and we were having a heated (but fun) discussion about the Gender training in the Sociology Department of UP. Also, a bit of gossip on our classmates which I'm not at liberty to tell owing to the sensitivity of the information disclosed... besides this fuck-em-all blogging has gotten me into trouble too much already... I'm a reformed blogger.

Nina and I ended up in McDonald's Katipunan and had dinner together... I didn't attend my PIMS class. I cant have that neo-lib twice in a week... I'd rather eat crap.

All I can say at this point is that things are looking peachy. I'm really really really excited about monday.

Luego!

On finding stability

What is this that I cling to?

This afternoon, I met up with Machris of Akbayan, and old fellow of mine. We were both surprised with each other's outlook. Three years has passed since we really engaged in a thorough dialogue. I enjoyed it.

I told her about Monday, Beate, and all that stuff. She told me about a youth conference on October. She was sort of surprised that I was handling it. It was amazing.

We were both laughing at how interconnected we were through our networks, with her tailgating with Walden on some of his trips, and me exchanging views with Walden's steppie... Of how Jonas Bagas is connected through sociology in UST... a lot of things. Things are really intermingling... blurred boundaries. Lovely.

The other night, I told Maita that I think I'm becoming really sympathetic towards social democracy, well, European social democracy. She told me that she did feel the same way on some things, and that it was ok. I wasn't really looking for consoling, though the thought was appreciated. I think I found what I need to cling on to. Sort of an anchor to this vortex that's sucking me in...

Wednesday High

from a very bad morning... to a very happy afternoon.

Thanks to B. Martin of Freidrich-Ebert-Stiftung, Manila. They just took me in as their own... yes, just now. It's wonderful really... to work for something that you want to do. And Nina (the brilliant Lit girl from UP) tells me they pay well. I must thank the good doctor for this.

I hope I get a good evening class. I hope I maintain this high. :D

at it for 5 days, and counting...

Its been 5 days already since I've been trying to get a hold of myself. I've managed to get him out of my head in some instances at least. It's been two years now from since I knew him. How I long to forget him. I have been haunted by his smile. His laugh... a former classmate even mimicked the way he uttered: "Milestone 'yun sa sociology..." I was laughing out loud... what an accurate depiction. I tried what james did to rid himself of his ex-es (although technically this ain't an ex); to harbor as much hatred as you can... to remember, to focus on an image of that person in the most despicable portrayals... I simply could not sustain it. It was not me. As Jen always told me, "Us geminis can't really harbor ill feelings even for the most despicable person in our lives for a very long time...". I agree

encountering trouble

sometimes I ask myself what the point is whenever I write something up in this journal of mine. By far, it's gotten me into trouble three times already. I ask myself if I should just discontinue writing... then I remember an old pal of mine from high school who shared with me the nice feelings of being able to read through some of your old entries... traces. I rummaged through my older blog, and my face was plastered with a wide smile all the time I was reading it. It was good. Perhaps it was one of the reasons why I was able to get over my "I'm-not-over-you" episodes... I told myself, finally, to stop hurting me. I got up from bed the other day... and watched a film to get over it... my usual dose of 'drug'... I love movies. they give me a 'high' feeling.

I can't count the number of times that I lapsed into an "I'm not over you" episode. By far, this was the worst. I shouldn't have rummaged through [your] friendster account I know... to see you swoon over... ah. forget it. I guess I just need to unpack (Sayo, 200x) these delightful memories. My big question is, when am I to find closure? I guess there's none. A movie I watched before had an interesting quote that would be applicable here: "Dont worry. You'll live."

And I will.

Time travel. I wish I could go back to the summer of the year 2005. life was much better during that time. I was much more, optimistic. No regrets though. everything will turn out fine. It always does.

Random thoughts... please bear with me

I need to cry. I need to cry.

I let myself drown in words, in the tunes… across the universe. Drifting through the music, drifting through the tones, the rhythm. I forget. I feel numb… the silence in me through the deafening melody; a cacophony of songs… to secure my drifting being on destruction… I let my thoughts flow out like red-orange leaves of an autumn sunset… falling... floating... drifting... flying... I feel inadequate… I feel nothing… ‘nothin’s gonna change my world…’

I stare blankly upon your face. Rescue me. Save me from my story. Save me from the deep blue sea. Save me from iterations… from my iterations… I don’t want to leave traces.

Why did you betray me? Not you, but you… and me. I will remember you. Will you remember me? I am under erasure… rapture… feel myself creatively destroyed. Imagine myself creatively destroyed…

Images of blue… images of you… cant get over it… baby blue, the color of baby blue... navy shirts... Penetrating my head. I want to rest. I want to lean on you… I want to cry over your shoulders. Its hard… rupture.

I need some distraction… I want to drown in alcohol… I wanna forget just for a while… I feel inadequate… I feel empty… yet so full of it.

[Pure] Hatred

You're making me wish you really bad things. Really, really bad things.

-stop it-

I'm your twentieth-century [t]oy...

I feel weak on my knees... thanks to you.
I wake up feeling somber... thanks to you.
I stare blankly at the ceiling... thanks to you.
I feel like shit everytime i think about it... thanks to you.
I feel like a doormat... thanks to you.
I rest my weeping face upon my pillow... thanks to you.
I feel suicidal... thanks to you.
I drown myself in schoolwork to forget... thanks to you.
I cant get over you... thanks to you.
I learned to hate myself... thanks to you.
I learned to hate you for making me hate myself... thanks to you.

die you fucker!

Adjustment, Confidence [non]Liquidity

I just found out that Bobby's doing fabulous IR courses next sem. Sure as hell, it'll be slashed with graduate equivalent. Life is so unfair!

Bob:
Special Topics in International Relations: Feminist International Relations
International Security [and Strategic Studies]

And of course, our emperor shall be doing

Global Political Economy

That's like 9 units I want to take... but I don't have the money for it.
Bob's doing 4:30-7:30 classes for his part, I don't know about the emperor... I wonder if I'd be able to take at least two of them...

Given a choice, I'll take (1) International Security and (2) Global Political Economy... I need those courses... those are my specializations... darn!